Forgotten Memories

I found this in my drafts, I must have written it sometime last year. Anyway, I thought it was worth sharing. Its interesting to read something I wrote while going through a really rough time. Brings back the memories for sure.

I forgot about you, about your smile, your laugh, the way you'd make my heart have a spazz attack when I saw you. I forgot the way you'd turn my whole day, week even, from the worst time of my life into the best.
I purposely forgot you, I figured it would hurt less in the end. I was just lying to myself, shoving down my true feelings and pretending everything was alright. I remember  now, all it took was the threat of someone else taking you. You're mine, and the thought of you making someone else the happiest girl in the world makes my heart feel like someone is shoving broken glass into it as hard as they can. I thought I was healing over leaving you, when really I was just pushing you from my mind and convincing myself my heart was fine.
Isn't it funny how one little sentence can change your perception of something?
The thought of you with her, hurts really bad. And you'll never know. Because I say I don't care, because having you, as my friend, is better than losing all of you.

People come and people go

I wish I was better at appreciating what I have. Recently I've really started missing some of the people that have gone from my life, either from moving, or getting out of touch or even dying.
I wish I could just relive the time I had with them, I wish I could love them harder, and really care. Regrets of the past are never fun to have, but I really wish I could somehow change somethings I did, or rather didnt, do. Take Nisa for instance. I loved that girl so much but I wish I had been closer to her. Im sorry to say she and I werent best friends, not like Lara and I. Both Lara and Nisa were foreign exchange students with the same family but I didnt become super close until Lara came along. I wish I had cherished Nisa while I could, because there is a high chance I may never see her again, or at least will never get a lot of time around her, not like all the time I could have had while she liveed 5 min away from me. Here's another example. My grandpa died about 2 years ago now, and I wish I had spent more time with him. I have some amazing memories of him, and we did see each other a lot but not as much as I wish. Hindsite is always 20/20 right? :/
I wish I had picked up the phone everytime he called, I wish I had called HIM as much as he called me. And as much as I say that its so hard to remember to keep in touch with my grandma. I don't want to regret not calling her. I just wish I could let all those people I don't have anymore how much I care. Just one more hug, one more conversation, one more chance to let them know I care. Some of them I can at least talk to, but having 2,000 miles plus between you and someone really makes it hard to feel totally connected. Im not going to get better about showing I care and keeping up with my loved ones over night but I do really want to work on it. Because I do care. A lot.

16 years

I feel like I need to say something profound and deep about this milestone birthday but really the only thing that comes to mind is that 16 is a peewee age. Seriously, its not that amazing, you're barely able to remember the first half of your life, for some reason the state allows you to drive if youve handed over an inordanite amount of money, and you're 2 years away from voting. Whoopee. Not to say I'm not excited, because I am. I'm still a girl after all, and love an opportunity to get presents and have a party with chocolate cake and such. (I did, and it was awesome, just by the way:) ) But I dont feel 16, I feel 8. Or 48. Either one, but not 16. Its like my whole life 16 has been this magic number, the perfect age. In all my little stories I've made up the beautiful heroine was always 16, so I guess in my tiny 7 year old brain 16 is the best age to go on adventures and get rescued by a handsome prince. Or rescue myself and said prince since I'm such a boss. But now that I'm 16 I feel a little lost, what am I supposed to aspire to now? 18? 21? I dont want to waste my life wishing I was older, or once I turn 29, wishing I was younger! Hah! What a sorry life that would be. I want to be content with myself and my age. If I can accomplish that, awesome. If not, well, nobody's perfect, to quote Miley Cyrus.

Mamasita

A dog changed my life.
The cutest little dog ever was sniffing outside our neighborhood gate, and I thought two things. A) she had a collar and B) Even if she didnt I thought she looked like the dog that lives across the street.
I brought her home, much to the parents delight (not......) and gave her a bath, realized she was a mother, probably had had babies not too long ago. Hence I started calling her Mamasita. She had fleas, so we couldnt keep her in the house, so I left her outside in the kennel with food and water. I left the door open, so she had the choice, plus she was crying so loudly! But she waited and scratched at the back door all night. And it hit me really hard. She was so grateful for the tiny bit of love and care we had given her in about an hour that she was refusing to leave! She was choosing love over freedom.
We found her owner today, and I want to yell at him. His treatment of her is disgraceful. But I'm told reporting people like that does nothing, there is waaaay more important stuff on law enforcments hands. But I wish she'd be taken care of. So watch out Mr. Blue-house-across-the-street, if I find a better home for her, I might just kidnap that cute little dog! :) And on the being thankful note, I'm thankful for a little mutt teaching me to appreciate the small things in life; a hug, and good meal, and place to stay. And litte snuggle buddies like Mamasita<3

Being Grateful.

I've decided to start being more grateful for what I have. Partially inspire by El Salvador (the rest if my trip is soon to be posted, I promise) and also because it was pointed out to my by one of my favorite ladies that I have so much to be thankful for. Now, I know I have some serious amazing things in my life, but I'm going to start out superficially. Coffee. I looooove coffee and I'm very thankful not only for coffee, but the chance to have actually yummy coffee, not that nasty instant stuff. (Big thanks to Cory, that specially guatamalan coffee you made me this morning made my whole day awesome!)

You know you're in Texas when....

When people dip???!!! I heard this term for the first time today, and I was so lost until I realized they were talking about chewing tobacco. Ive never even seen someone "dip" before, but my whole class, including my teacher, was discussing it in great depth. Apparently its widespread in the South, at least according to my google search. Thanks wikipedia, what would I do without you? I have to say, I got a little grossed out. Especially when we started talking about the nasty cancers you can get from it. Ick. Well I'm putting dip or whatever its called on my "never going to do this list" right inbetween skydiving without a parachute and capturing a skunnk barehanded......

#the things we do in Coach Allen's class......

can anyone hear her?

I think I speak a different language than everyone. Nobody seems to hear me and what I'm saying. Maybe I need to say it louder, or enunciate better. Maybe if I spell it. H-O-M-E.

Birthday Wish

Going through my friends on facebook and thinking about a birthday party makes me so sad when I see all the people I can't have. Most of the people I want to spend my time with I can't. Technology has made distance a little bit easier but until a transporter or teleporter or something is invented its not enough. Well Happy Birthday to myself, I get to spend it away from my family and closest friends. Whoopee...

Ok, enough of a pity party, lets see what I have to be thankful for.
Food. Water. The basics of life plus all the extras which is waaaay more than the people of El Salvador.
People who love me, even if most of them are 2,000 plus miles away, my health, a good education at my finger tips, the most amazing sisters and brothers ever, a safe place to sleep. Yeah my life isn't that bad, but I still wish for home. Every time its 11:11, or I see a shooting star, or I blow out candles I make that wish. And I won't ever stop until I'm home. But I'm trying to be thankful here in Texas until my dream is fulfilled. But it's so hard!

El Salvador, Part One

March 10th, 2012
1-6:00pm
It's impossible to tell where the sea ends and the sky begins.
Floating on fluffy white popcorn clouds gazing down on humanity; is this how God feels? Way up in the vastness of nothing, sky the only thing beneath him? Flying always makes me pensive. I feel so small staring out the little window, wondering how the earth is so big, and wondering what it would feel like to fly like a bird with the wind in my face. Touch down, the sweaty nightmare of customs is a punch in the face; a jolt to reality, and being back on the ground isn't pleasent after the sleepy flight. El Salvador is hot. The muggy air makes one languid and sleepy. The shacks and garbage (sometimes the same thing) are perched next to flashy billboards advertising cellphones and shoes is sureal; its such a dramatic contrast of wealth and poverty. It hasn't kicked in yet. I'm struggling to hold in my irritation of those around me, I'm not sure why my patience is so thin. I pray for tolerance, if I can't achieve patience. On the bus now, I struggle to stay awake. Resistance is futile as I finally succumb to to the stress of five hours of sleep from last night and the rocking of the noisy bus. My head is jerking up as I still struggle to listen to the nice missions man talk, but I fall asleep. Only a light doze, but I still miss all the rules and agenda for the rest of the day. Oh well, I'm generally semi-confused anyway. So after lugging my luggage (oh how funny...hah) up a flight or two of stairs I find myself in a quaint room, simple but perfect for my taste. Astonished, later I learn that this is one of the best in Santa Ana. Things are definently different here. With a sweet roommate, air conditioning, and a bed I'm set. What else do I need? Well....a nap would be nice.

9:10PM
Five hours of sleep makes one very hyper and weird. Especially me! After seeing El Salvador from the roof of this beautiful hotel and driving through it to get to dinner I am amazed by the middle class. It's such a small part. There is poor and really well off/rich. You don't see much of the middle class.
At the mall for dinner I mangle my spanish, but hey, at least I'm trying! My roommate is fluent, I'm very jealous....oh well, not everyone can be from a Latino country!

March 11th, 2012
9:15AM

Waking up I don't kn ow what to expect from the day. It's still very surreal and odd, I feel like I'm on vacation, or just passing through. Since it's sunday we go to church, and we were told to wear skirts, apparently the church is a little more conservative here. It feels nice though, a little less hot than pants, and around here you need every bit of coolness you can somehow find. Sitting here in a shaded, leafy hiding place I'm listening to church bells ringing and sounds of  birds chirping mingled with the noise of traffic and some loud spanish music. Sheltered in my place of solitude, unknown to the world around me I ponder my life and how it will be affected by this trip. I hope it is.

March 12th 2012
4:55PM

I am dirty everywhere, from my white grubby feet to my tanned dirt smeared face. I can barely find a clean inch of skin and definently there isn't any part of me that doesn't smell bad! Even after a cold, amazing shower I find dirt. Up my nose of all places! It seems the dust has permeated everywhere. Today was a learning experience. You don't have to be in Africa to find intense poverty. I feel like we have this image or preconceived thought that Africa is the only really major "bad" place. But you don't have to go overseas or travel too far to find poverty. El Slavador reeks with need, quite literally. But while people live in awful condition, their spirit doesn't reflect them. They are so sweet!!  The people of Los Heroes and Los Angeles 1 are so trusting and genuine. And lovestarved! All they want is someone to care, to love on them. Of course the whole "I can barely speak Spanish" creates a huge barrier but love is truly a universal language. A smile, a hug, says it all. All morning I just walked around talking to people. Mothers, children, chickens, whoever looked like they needed someone. It was amazing, but awfully draining. Working on building one of the houses was less draining, which is what I did all afternoon. Its amazing, once the floor went up the walls followed so fast. I wielded my hammer like a true Herbert!! :) So finally I'm clean and relaxed and as I lie in bed thinking about the day, images of dirty, barefoot children fill my head, the story of the raped 3rd grader who is now a mother haunts me, the love starved adults who never got love from their parents, the lists goes on of what I think about. I preay that I never ever forget the things I saw today. May I never fall into complacency.

March 13th, 2012
8:52PM
I feel sick. Hopefully I won't throw up. Mama and PC think it was too much sun.

Respect

Sometimes people tell me what to do. Its a part of life, it'll always happen. And I don't mind, like if it's my boss, mentor, older, wiser person, somone I've sumbitted myself to, somebody I trust. People like that. But sometimes people don't just tell me what to do, they try to force me into things. I hate that. I know I'm still a teenager, and most people will say to deal with it, thats what happens when you're a "kid". And thats true. Sometimes.... I'm not a normal girl, I've had to learn to take care of myself and do things on my own. Ever since my dad died when I was 10 I've basically parented myself. Yeah, my mom did some but when he was gone, my life ceased any pretenses of "normal" that I thought my life was or had. I was strange even before Dad died, all my siblings were. We were taught to be very self-suficient and were very mature for our ages. And all that escalated when I was just barely 10. And now, I'm finding myself having parents. It's so weird!! I'm not used to them! Somedays I feel 40, other days I feel 8. Its crazy sometimes having to trust other people to meet my needs. I don't know how I'm dealing with it, it's still shocking to have them. I love them so much, but it's a little difficult absorbing the fact that my life isn't the way it used to be. I don't mind obeying them and respecting them, I'd do it for the rest of my life if I thought it would somehow repay them. This isn't about them at all. It's about not being respected, and being pushed around. It's about people assuming I'll "adapt'. Well here's some news. I won't. I'm willing to compromise and meet in the middle, to a certain point. But when people try to decide my life for me, without even trying to find a compromise. They just assume they are right. Because I've decided for myself for so long having someone TELL me I'm going to do something that I've made clear I despise makes me very angry. I need respect, and I don't get that too much. My opinions aren't respected, they're heard then rejected. In fact, sometimes I wonder that they are heard at all. So my point is, respect is a key part in any relationship. And I think so many times people forget that. I forget that! I'll tell that person right back what I will and will not do. What we really need to do is actually sit down and find a solution that will work for both of us without trying to boss each other around. I hope we figure that out, and soon. Because otherwise our relationship with suffer big time. Because without respect, life is a heck of a lot harder. So I guess this means I have to be the mature one and try to give respect. And maybe, just maybe I'll get some back. We can pray anyway....

We've aquired it, now can we make it stay?

The fire has been aquired by  thousands of teenagers in Houston and the surrounding area. Not only here, but all over the country. Will it stay ignited? That is the question right now. As having experienced the hype and "Jesus high" that comes from attending a ATF and the drop off of it in a couple weeks I know first hand how easily swayed and pumped up teenagers and people in general can get, only to burn out when they have nothing of lasting substance to keep their fire and relationship with Christ going. The only thing that can really work is to pursue God, in the Word and in talking to Him, and not just trying to maintain a relationship through your pastor on Sunday and Wednesday. Church doesn't cut it I'm afraid. It take effort and time to have a good relationship with God, like it does with any other relationship in life. So my challange for myself and the rest of us who've been inspired by "Normal is not enough" is to actually pursue God and live like we promised we would. I will not slip back into mundane life, I can't afford it. Normal is not good enough for me.