Forgotten Memories

I found this in my drafts, I must have written it sometime last year. Anyway, I thought it was worth sharing. Its interesting to read something I wrote while going through a really rough time. Brings back the memories for sure.

I forgot about you, about your smile, your laugh, the way you'd make my heart have a spazz attack when I saw you. I forgot the way you'd turn my whole day, week even, from the worst time of my life into the best.
I purposely forgot you, I figured it would hurt less in the end. I was just lying to myself, shoving down my true feelings and pretending everything was alright. I remember  now, all it took was the threat of someone else taking you. You're mine, and the thought of you making someone else the happiest girl in the world makes my heart feel like someone is shoving broken glass into it as hard as they can. I thought I was healing over leaving you, when really I was just pushing you from my mind and convincing myself my heart was fine.
Isn't it funny how one little sentence can change your perception of something?
The thought of you with her, hurts really bad. And you'll never know. Because I say I don't care, because having you, as my friend, is better than losing all of you.

People come and people go

I wish I was better at appreciating what I have. Recently I've really started missing some of the people that have gone from my life, either from moving, or getting out of touch or even dying.
I wish I could just relive the time I had with them, I wish I could love them harder, and really care. Regrets of the past are never fun to have, but I really wish I could somehow change somethings I did, or rather didnt, do. Take Nisa for instance. I loved that girl so much but I wish I had been closer to her. Im sorry to say she and I werent best friends, not like Lara and I. Both Lara and Nisa were foreign exchange students with the same family but I didnt become super close until Lara came along. I wish I had cherished Nisa while I could, because there is a high chance I may never see her again, or at least will never get a lot of time around her, not like all the time I could have had while she liveed 5 min away from me. Here's another example. My grandpa died about 2 years ago now, and I wish I had spent more time with him. I have some amazing memories of him, and we did see each other a lot but not as much as I wish. Hindsite is always 20/20 right? :/
I wish I had picked up the phone everytime he called, I wish I had called HIM as much as he called me. And as much as I say that its so hard to remember to keep in touch with my grandma. I don't want to regret not calling her. I just wish I could let all those people I don't have anymore how much I care. Just one more hug, one more conversation, one more chance to let them know I care. Some of them I can at least talk to, but having 2,000 miles plus between you and someone really makes it hard to feel totally connected. Im not going to get better about showing I care and keeping up with my loved ones over night but I do really want to work on it. Because I do care. A lot.

16 years

I feel like I need to say something profound and deep about this milestone birthday but really the only thing that comes to mind is that 16 is a peewee age. Seriously, its not that amazing, you're barely able to remember the first half of your life, for some reason the state allows you to drive if youve handed over an inordanite amount of money, and you're 2 years away from voting. Whoopee. Not to say I'm not excited, because I am. I'm still a girl after all, and love an opportunity to get presents and have a party with chocolate cake and such. (I did, and it was awesome, just by the way:) ) But I dont feel 16, I feel 8. Or 48. Either one, but not 16. Its like my whole life 16 has been this magic number, the perfect age. In all my little stories I've made up the beautiful heroine was always 16, so I guess in my tiny 7 year old brain 16 is the best age to go on adventures and get rescued by a handsome prince. Or rescue myself and said prince since I'm such a boss. But now that I'm 16 I feel a little lost, what am I supposed to aspire to now? 18? 21? I dont want to waste my life wishing I was older, or once I turn 29, wishing I was younger! Hah! What a sorry life that would be. I want to be content with myself and my age. If I can accomplish that, awesome. If not, well, nobody's perfect, to quote Miley Cyrus.

Mamasita

A dog changed my life.
The cutest little dog ever was sniffing outside our neighborhood gate, and I thought two things. A) she had a collar and B) Even if she didnt I thought she looked like the dog that lives across the street.
I brought her home, much to the parents delight (not......) and gave her a bath, realized she was a mother, probably had had babies not too long ago. Hence I started calling her Mamasita. She had fleas, so we couldnt keep her in the house, so I left her outside in the kennel with food and water. I left the door open, so she had the choice, plus she was crying so loudly! But she waited and scratched at the back door all night. And it hit me really hard. She was so grateful for the tiny bit of love and care we had given her in about an hour that she was refusing to leave! She was choosing love over freedom.
We found her owner today, and I want to yell at him. His treatment of her is disgraceful. But I'm told reporting people like that does nothing, there is waaaay more important stuff on law enforcments hands. But I wish she'd be taken care of. So watch out Mr. Blue-house-across-the-street, if I find a better home for her, I might just kidnap that cute little dog! :) And on the being thankful note, I'm thankful for a little mutt teaching me to appreciate the small things in life; a hug, and good meal, and place to stay. And litte snuggle buddies like Mamasita<3

Being Grateful.

I've decided to start being more grateful for what I have. Partially inspire by El Salvador (the rest if my trip is soon to be posted, I promise) and also because it was pointed out to my by one of my favorite ladies that I have so much to be thankful for. Now, I know I have some serious amazing things in my life, but I'm going to start out superficially. Coffee. I looooove coffee and I'm very thankful not only for coffee, but the chance to have actually yummy coffee, not that nasty instant stuff. (Big thanks to Cory, that specially guatamalan coffee you made me this morning made my whole day awesome!)

You know you're in Texas when....

When people dip???!!! I heard this term for the first time today, and I was so lost until I realized they were talking about chewing tobacco. Ive never even seen someone "dip" before, but my whole class, including my teacher, was discussing it in great depth. Apparently its widespread in the South, at least according to my google search. Thanks wikipedia, what would I do without you? I have to say, I got a little grossed out. Especially when we started talking about the nasty cancers you can get from it. Ick. Well I'm putting dip or whatever its called on my "never going to do this list" right inbetween skydiving without a parachute and capturing a skunnk barehanded......

#the things we do in Coach Allen's class......

can anyone hear her?

I think I speak a different language than everyone. Nobody seems to hear me and what I'm saying. Maybe I need to say it louder, or enunciate better. Maybe if I spell it. H-O-M-E.