I used to think that the world was pretty good. Sure, there were bad guys, but almost everyone was good, and did the right thing. And what bad guys did exist were behind bars. Safely in prison and out of my life. That was my world, and it was a nice place to live in. I saw the good in everyone, and forgave and forgot the faults of people without a thought. I defend the mistakes that those I loved made. I thought people could change in a moment, with just a prayer, a sorry thought, an apology. I had the naivety to believe that people would change from their habits. That once you said you'd stop, you'd change, that you would. I believed that people didn't do bad things on their own. They had to be coerced, forced, they weren't thinking straight, something was making them that was out of their control. I pushed down feelings of hatred and hurt and a life of pain and buried it so deep I didn't know it was there. I was a healthy girl, at peace with the world, my world. I could stop the conflicts, taking the blame, apologizing to end a fight, even if I knew I was in the right. To stop others from hurting, I would take the hurt and make excuses for their mistakes. And things still bubbled over, as much as I tried to stop it. I desperately tried to keep my eggshell thin world from cracking. I was holding it together, barely, and I convinced myself it was all alright.
But then came the breaking point, it was inevitable, it had to come some time.
I realized I hated my persecutor, the one I always protected, forgave, and tried to excuse.
All the things I had pushed down were surfacing, coming out where I least expected them. I did not realize the depth of pain inflicted on me until it came out. I was an angry spirit, I didn't care about ending the conflict, I was escalating it, after years of packing it down and burying it under smiles and laughs. My world was now filled with violence and pain. Bad guys roamed the streets aimlessly, committing horrors without thought. I know longer filtered unknowingly the faults of others, I saw them crystal clear. I could see that everyone, makes mistakes, is cruel, says rude things, curses, has a touch of evil. It was as if I saw the world through a fuzzy glass window, and then it was removed. But I went to the extreme, I couldn't see what was good in people, I lost site of the beauty of life. But time past, and so did my bitterness....kinda. God is working in me and He's not finished yet. But I'm seeing people as things in the works. They aren't finished yet, and he's till working on them. But I also am not blindly forgiving their faults, that day has passed. And I pray that one day my heart will be fully healed and I can truly forgive those who made my life so painful. But it's not today.
And it probably won't be tomorrow.
But maybe the day after that...?
