can anyone hear her?

I think I speak a different language than everyone. Nobody seems to hear me and what I'm saying. Maybe I need to say it louder, or enunciate better. Maybe if I spell it. H-O-M-E.

Birthday Wish

Going through my friends on facebook and thinking about a birthday party makes me so sad when I see all the people I can't have. Most of the people I want to spend my time with I can't. Technology has made distance a little bit easier but until a transporter or teleporter or something is invented its not enough. Well Happy Birthday to myself, I get to spend it away from my family and closest friends. Whoopee...

Ok, enough of a pity party, lets see what I have to be thankful for.
Food. Water. The basics of life plus all the extras which is waaaay more than the people of El Salvador.
People who love me, even if most of them are 2,000 plus miles away, my health, a good education at my finger tips, the most amazing sisters and brothers ever, a safe place to sleep. Yeah my life isn't that bad, but I still wish for home. Every time its 11:11, or I see a shooting star, or I blow out candles I make that wish. And I won't ever stop until I'm home. But I'm trying to be thankful here in Texas until my dream is fulfilled. But it's so hard!

El Salvador, Part One

March 10th, 2012
1-6:00pm
It's impossible to tell where the sea ends and the sky begins.
Floating on fluffy white popcorn clouds gazing down on humanity; is this how God feels? Way up in the vastness of nothing, sky the only thing beneath him? Flying always makes me pensive. I feel so small staring out the little window, wondering how the earth is so big, and wondering what it would feel like to fly like a bird with the wind in my face. Touch down, the sweaty nightmare of customs is a punch in the face; a jolt to reality, and being back on the ground isn't pleasent after the sleepy flight. El Salvador is hot. The muggy air makes one languid and sleepy. The shacks and garbage (sometimes the same thing) are perched next to flashy billboards advertising cellphones and shoes is sureal; its such a dramatic contrast of wealth and poverty. It hasn't kicked in yet. I'm struggling to hold in my irritation of those around me, I'm not sure why my patience is so thin. I pray for tolerance, if I can't achieve patience. On the bus now, I struggle to stay awake. Resistance is futile as I finally succumb to to the stress of five hours of sleep from last night and the rocking of the noisy bus. My head is jerking up as I still struggle to listen to the nice missions man talk, but I fall asleep. Only a light doze, but I still miss all the rules and agenda for the rest of the day. Oh well, I'm generally semi-confused anyway. So after lugging my luggage (oh how funny...hah) up a flight or two of stairs I find myself in a quaint room, simple but perfect for my taste. Astonished, later I learn that this is one of the best in Santa Ana. Things are definently different here. With a sweet roommate, air conditioning, and a bed I'm set. What else do I need? Well....a nap would be nice.

9:10PM
Five hours of sleep makes one very hyper and weird. Especially me! After seeing El Salvador from the roof of this beautiful hotel and driving through it to get to dinner I am amazed by the middle class. It's such a small part. There is poor and really well off/rich. You don't see much of the middle class.
At the mall for dinner I mangle my spanish, but hey, at least I'm trying! My roommate is fluent, I'm very jealous....oh well, not everyone can be from a Latino country!

March 11th, 2012
9:15AM

Waking up I don't kn ow what to expect from the day. It's still very surreal and odd, I feel like I'm on vacation, or just passing through. Since it's sunday we go to church, and we were told to wear skirts, apparently the church is a little more conservative here. It feels nice though, a little less hot than pants, and around here you need every bit of coolness you can somehow find. Sitting here in a shaded, leafy hiding place I'm listening to church bells ringing and sounds of  birds chirping mingled with the noise of traffic and some loud spanish music. Sheltered in my place of solitude, unknown to the world around me I ponder my life and how it will be affected by this trip. I hope it is.

March 12th 2012
4:55PM

I am dirty everywhere, from my white grubby feet to my tanned dirt smeared face. I can barely find a clean inch of skin and definently there isn't any part of me that doesn't smell bad! Even after a cold, amazing shower I find dirt. Up my nose of all places! It seems the dust has permeated everywhere. Today was a learning experience. You don't have to be in Africa to find intense poverty. I feel like we have this image or preconceived thought that Africa is the only really major "bad" place. But you don't have to go overseas or travel too far to find poverty. El Slavador reeks with need, quite literally. But while people live in awful condition, their spirit doesn't reflect them. They are so sweet!!  The people of Los Heroes and Los Angeles 1 are so trusting and genuine. And lovestarved! All they want is someone to care, to love on them. Of course the whole "I can barely speak Spanish" creates a huge barrier but love is truly a universal language. A smile, a hug, says it all. All morning I just walked around talking to people. Mothers, children, chickens, whoever looked like they needed someone. It was amazing, but awfully draining. Working on building one of the houses was less draining, which is what I did all afternoon. Its amazing, once the floor went up the walls followed so fast. I wielded my hammer like a true Herbert!! :) So finally I'm clean and relaxed and as I lie in bed thinking about the day, images of dirty, barefoot children fill my head, the story of the raped 3rd grader who is now a mother haunts me, the love starved adults who never got love from their parents, the lists goes on of what I think about. I preay that I never ever forget the things I saw today. May I never fall into complacency.

March 13th, 2012
8:52PM
I feel sick. Hopefully I won't throw up. Mama and PC think it was too much sun.

Respect

Sometimes people tell me what to do. Its a part of life, it'll always happen. And I don't mind, like if it's my boss, mentor, older, wiser person, somone I've sumbitted myself to, somebody I trust. People like that. But sometimes people don't just tell me what to do, they try to force me into things. I hate that. I know I'm still a teenager, and most people will say to deal with it, thats what happens when you're a "kid". And thats true. Sometimes.... I'm not a normal girl, I've had to learn to take care of myself and do things on my own. Ever since my dad died when I was 10 I've basically parented myself. Yeah, my mom did some but when he was gone, my life ceased any pretenses of "normal" that I thought my life was or had. I was strange even before Dad died, all my siblings were. We were taught to be very self-suficient and were very mature for our ages. And all that escalated when I was just barely 10. And now, I'm finding myself having parents. It's so weird!! I'm not used to them! Somedays I feel 40, other days I feel 8. Its crazy sometimes having to trust other people to meet my needs. I don't know how I'm dealing with it, it's still shocking to have them. I love them so much, but it's a little difficult absorbing the fact that my life isn't the way it used to be. I don't mind obeying them and respecting them, I'd do it for the rest of my life if I thought it would somehow repay them. This isn't about them at all. It's about not being respected, and being pushed around. It's about people assuming I'll "adapt'. Well here's some news. I won't. I'm willing to compromise and meet in the middle, to a certain point. But when people try to decide my life for me, without even trying to find a compromise. They just assume they are right. Because I've decided for myself for so long having someone TELL me I'm going to do something that I've made clear I despise makes me very angry. I need respect, and I don't get that too much. My opinions aren't respected, they're heard then rejected. In fact, sometimes I wonder that they are heard at all. So my point is, respect is a key part in any relationship. And I think so many times people forget that. I forget that! I'll tell that person right back what I will and will not do. What we really need to do is actually sit down and find a solution that will work for both of us without trying to boss each other around. I hope we figure that out, and soon. Because otherwise our relationship with suffer big time. Because without respect, life is a heck of a lot harder. So I guess this means I have to be the mature one and try to give respect. And maybe, just maybe I'll get some back. We can pray anyway....

We've aquired it, now can we make it stay?

The fire has been aquired by  thousands of teenagers in Houston and the surrounding area. Not only here, but all over the country. Will it stay ignited? That is the question right now. As having experienced the hype and "Jesus high" that comes from attending a ATF and the drop off of it in a couple weeks I know first hand how easily swayed and pumped up teenagers and people in general can get, only to burn out when they have nothing of lasting substance to keep their fire and relationship with Christ going. The only thing that can really work is to pursue God, in the Word and in talking to Him, and not just trying to maintain a relationship through your pastor on Sunday and Wednesday. Church doesn't cut it I'm afraid. It take effort and time to have a good relationship with God, like it does with any other relationship in life. So my challange for myself and the rest of us who've been inspired by "Normal is not enough" is to actually pursue God and live like we promised we would. I will not slip back into mundane life, I can't afford it. Normal is not good enough for me.

Money, money, everyone needs it, everyone wants it....

I wish I was rich. You know, born into a fabulously wealthy family with not a worry in my pretty little rich kid head. But I wasn't so, I have to do things like get a job, and fund raise. Oh joy, who doesn't love asking people for money. But I was thinking, and I thought of something that surprised me. As most of y'all should know I'm going to New York in the spring with my choir. I'm not gonna lie, it's pricey, like 1500 or something around there. And yeah, I've been doing all the fundraisers, but to be honest, it's not helping much. But I thought, how many friends do I have on facebook? 612 to be precise. And if everyone gave me a dollar or two that'd help so much! But I doubt everyone will. Or anyone actually. But I think aside from feeling like a beggar and asking for money I learned something pretty amazing. If everyone gets behind something and gives just a tiny bit it adds up a lot!! If you gave up one coffee drink a month and gave the money to say, Heifer International, or another nonprofit like that, and a lot of people did it think of how many people would be reach. So many. So why don't we, not just as the Body of Christ, but we as people in general, just reach out and give a little something to help each other out? The power of giving a little should never be under estimated folks, because pennies add up :) So whether or not anyone helps me get to New York I hope I made you think. A little goes a long way. Like me! I'm short and small but I go a long way. It's hard to ignore me. (probably because I'm loud and obnoxious, at least my brothers and sisters have told me...hah!)  anyway, there was your random comment from your lovable Hannah for the day. Have an awesome day, month, year, and life. I love you!

Capitol Punishment, cruel or just?

      Of the 1099 executions carried out in the whole of the USA from 1977 to the end of 2007, Texas accounts for 406 or 37%. Texas carries out far more executions than any other American state; between 1982 and 2007 it executed 404 men and 2 women. America is one of the few countries that still have a death penalty, but it still has one of the higher murder rates in the world, when most of Europe has outlawed capitol punishment and has some of the lowest. However, Singapore has a very brutal punishment system and they have crime rates that most countries dream about having. It’s a very mixed message. It also has to do with cultural differences as well as the punishment method. Capitol punishment has many problems though, one of the biggest being the thought that it is inhumane. Is it? Reports claim that more then half of all prison and jail inmates have mental health problems. Another line of thought is that anyone capable of doing heinous crimes worthy of the death penalty can only be committed by someone who is acting under the influence of something else, be it drugs, pressure from another source, or mental sickness. I believe that capitol punishment is inhuman and needlessly cruel, and that while retribution is very much needed, killing a human being is not the answer to stopping crime. 

     Throughout the centuries, murder has always been a crime to repay with the death of the one who committed the act. Yet the notion seems skewed to me. We teach others not to kill by killing people who kill other people. It doesn’t make sense in my mind. Not only is it horribly cruel to the recipient, but think of the hell that the family and loved ones go through. Losing someone is never easy, but the guilt and painfulness of losing someone to capitol punishment would be horrific. Now, the person should have to face the consequences, but I firmly believe in rehabilitation. If the money spent on the inmates on death row and their appeals and such was spent on keeping children off the streets and out of trouble, and on rehabilitating criminals, not only would lives be saved, but society would function better.

      Some think that people who do these acts are purely evil and need to be wiped from the earth and removed from society permanently. But where do we draw the line between the victim and the oppressor? The child molested grows up to be a molester, the young man seeing violence his whole life turns to the only thing he’s ever seen, and the girl raised to flaunt her body and use it sells herself to earn a living. Minds warped from birth and suddenly the broken child is a heinous criminal in the eyes of the world. Is there no compassion? Does no one care? Given up on, rejected, hurting hearts are crying out to be saved and all anyone cares about is getting them out of the way. God’s heart hurts at the pain of His children. What right do we have to kill each other? God does not choose sins as better or worse. Liars will go down with rapists, petty thieves with mass murderers.

      Death is an interesting concept. Life is so fragile, so easily snatched away by a careless move. When I was 10 my father died and the foundation of my life fell away, leaving me in freefall, dazed and disoriented. Then I hit the ground a few years later when I fully realized he was gone and the pain was like being ripped into by whip of barbed wire, over and over again. A ruthless master is pain, and anger stemmed and overflowed out of my life as the scars of my past refused to completely heal and the pain was a river, constantly flowing and mingling with my hatred as I was thrown about like a ragdoll. When I think of anyone else going through a time as dark as that my heart breaks.  No one should ever have to face that; no child should be forced to grow up to soon. And killing someone on purpose? Deliberately ending a precious life? That is an evil thought to me.

       To die without forgiveness is a thought that haunts me. To have no hope of redemption, no belief in a better thing beyond this whirlpool of trouble and pain we call life, would be a horrific state of mind. The cruelty of putting another human through that kind of mental horror and agony is obscene. And if one goes with the thought that only a mentally injured person is capable of doing a crime worthy of death as I do then not only is capitol punishment cruel and inhumane, but also a horrible act of immense proportions.

Rehabilitation is the answer, if only people will start caring enough to do that for those accused and convicted.